Grief, bereavement and trying to get back on track

For the past two weeks, my routine has been completely off – for good reason. Sadly, my grandad died and so I’ve been back home with my parents (my bubble, in case you’re wondering!)

Getting that call from my parents two weeks ago was just horrendous. Unfortunately, I’ve been mentally preparing for it for some time. At least, I thought I had.

My grandad was 101. Over the past decade, his health had deteriorated significantly. The final step he had to take in his life was coming at some point. I thought I would’ve been prepared for that call. I wasn’t and so I guess you can’t.

I love my grandad dearly. He was hilarious, really knowledgeable and he, unintentionally, inspired me to pursue my career in journalism. I owe a lot to him. Being home for two weeks to be with family was important for me. I’m now getting to the point of acceptance but I suspect this will take a fair bit of time – I think it will hit me hard when circumstances allow our whole family to get together and he isn’t with us.

I’ve written before about how emotional triggers affect me – the first thing to go is nutrition, the second is exercise. The fitness focus I promised for Lockdown 2.0 has not been there at all. Over the past fortnight:

  • I’ve eaten what I want, when I want. The foods and snacks have been high carb, high sugar and low in protein.
  • My sleeping patterns went completely out of the window. I’ve even woken up twice in the middle of the night, feeling hungry – that’s not like me at all and, of course, when I ate, it wasn’t fruit!!
  • I’ve worked out a total of four times in a fortnight. I can’t remember the last time I did so little.

While you might think I felt guilty about the above, I haven’t at all. In a way, I’ve adopted a “be kind to yourself” mentality over these two weeks.

You can eat what you want. It’s fine.

The point is, it’s not fine. In the long term, it isn’t being kind to myself. It’s THIS cycle that I need to break. There are always going to be emotional triggers and I need to learn how to control my response to them. Previously, alcohol would have been a great comfort so I am very glad that I haven’t gone down this road this time.

It’s also important to point out that I don’t write about my grandad’s death casually. It will take time to process and work through – I will miss him a lot. However, I’m writing this today because I realise I can’t continue the way I have for the past fortnight. Nor would he want me to be completely derailed.

I’ve already initiated some changes to get back on my fitness journey from next week:

  • I’ve got a meal plan sorted for the week (let’s hope I stick to it).
  • I’ll be back at my flat and so will have access to my home workout kit again (I left it all in a rush to leave to head home when I learnt of my grandad’s passing – it wasn’t a priority).

I also had a 30-minute virtual session with a nutritionist this week. It’s something I’d signed up for weeks ago, as part of something that was being offered by work. I’m going to write a separate post about that because it was truly enlightening – hearing an expert tell me where I’m going wrong (even though I know where I’m going wrong, it’s more impactful when someone external, who’s qualified to tell me so, tells me so!) and where I could be better.

I’m also writing this post as part of my continued accountability. By putting it out into the universe, I’m making a commitment.

Published by njfitnessjourney

A man on a fitness mission!

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